Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I promised my friend that betrayal by Kezang would be a bitter lesson in my life. That was five years back, before I met Thinley; I thought I would never fall in love. Five years ago, when I joined college I was shattered and betrayed while I should have been excited and nervous. My dad thought I looked sad because of the fact I would feel homesick. Well, that was a reason too but second one.
Somehow, I managed to break my promise and I owe my friend for that. Once again I was hit by a cupid’s arrow and I fell into unconditional love with Thinley. Gradually, I forgot the betrayal, the pain eased me and my heart started beating for someone special other than myself.
Soon after graduating, we married each other and at that moment I was the happiest in the world.
But however deeply I am in love with Thinley won’t change the fact that Kezang was my first love. I thought I have come to compromise my love, thought his love conquered me until I met kezang recently and everything became so absurd. As much as I love being in love with my Thinley, there is this little voice in me that says I need to be with my first love.
It scares me more and I find difficult to understand the complexity of this romanticism between my loves. And I find myself more lost in the web of this complexity. I, for one, am lucky to have Thinley who has been there for me when I needed him the most, he is the kind of person I have dreamt of being with and this fact even hurts me more when I think of leaving him behind.  But this selfish thought clings to me like I am an addict and every time I think of moving ahead, forgetting my past, it kills me. And every time I see Kezang, I feel like sixteen year old school going girl and things become worst.
When I met Kezang after five years (after he betrayed me), all I could remember is the love we had for each other, the time we spent together. I couldn’t believe that the moment I saw him, the betrayal, the pain he gave me were all evaporated.  I wonder at how much love can do to you and also take from you. I wonder if we loved each other so much back then. I wonder if the fact of I being unavailable is making this fleeting love irresistible. However, I may think of it, I know I am getting into deeper mess and having a good time myself altogether. The guilty pleasure of meeting him secretly makes things even scarier but one of those breath taking moments where I feel like I am the happiest person in the whole world. 
I feel like my heart is playing a tug-o-war between the reality and the world where I can never get to live it. I blamed my mother partly for the mess I am in today. When I talked to her about those serious things, she was more scared than I am of the fear I might leave Thinley. She tried to bring me to an agreement that life, sometimes, is not about what we want. I laughed weekly at this sappy saying and the truth in it. I try to justify to myself but every time I land up with same question: why me? But when I look into those honest eyes of Thinley, I feel very week at knees and I can’t even think of leaving him. I know the love I have for him is still less, for the person he is, and perhaps that’s the reason my love for him increases moment by moment.
I nearly collapsed once when Thinley told me that the only achievement in his life is his ability to find and marry his true love. Every time I lose faith in my fate, he pulls me back and things looks way brighter even it means not having the person I love near me. I know Kezang would never give me the respect I have from Thinley, the space for the person I am, the circle of friends I have and equally the love I have from Thinley. If Thinley can give me all the things which make my life worthwhile to live, I can definitely give him my unconditional love. Perhaps that’s the reason I love him uncompromised to this day.
Now, as I wake up in the morning every day I can smile for the things I have done. And when I go to bed every night I pray that I get Thinley as my love in my every generation.

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