Who inspires me

16th September, 2010
I am amazed at how this life cycle works for all of us. I look on to myself and I am sure I cannot be happier if I am not born this way. Now, I do wish, sometimes, to be wishful but every time this wishful things comes to my mind, I think of my colleague at work, who inspire me to be happy with what I am, everyday. I am not going to say much about him not because he doesn’t deserved to be praised but I lack the skills of describing him. I do know him personally, and that’s the reason he inspires me to everything I do in life. He lost both of his hands when he was a young boy of the reason I dare not ask (at least that’s what I heard; I never had the guts to ask him). When I met him for the first time, my heart went out to him. Every time I saw him, I felt very weak and I deliberately avoided his gaze. It was difficult talking to him without feeling very empathized. But later I realized how wrong I was about him. Now that I am closer to him, I know him better as a better person. I can hardly believe he is the person I used to be overwhelmed with.
Well, I am not surprised if I see him entertaining a group of people. He is cool, he is fun, he is intelligent, he works well, and he is respectable. He is the man I look up to. Though, I know it must be difficult for him too sometimes, but he has learnt over time that just crying over the corner and cursing the world about your non-well being isn’t going to work for anyone. Life has taught him many lessons which me and the like fail to understand. Despite the things life has given him, he has accepted life gracefully with a smile.

Being Parents!

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be mother and neither was my husband sure about it. But we were not surprised when the pregnancy test gave us positive result. Though we were little shaky afterwards thinking about how to manage (not forgetting the poor management we are at everything). But once he saw out little baby move in Ultra sound he was sure he was ready and I couldn’t agree more.
I was panicky in the beginning knowing the fact that we are alone in this. Our parents are not with us to guide us or to tell us their story or to be involved in our little happiness that we have learnt to build our world in. we shared our little happiness with everyone (didn’t realize that we have to keep it a secret for first three months).
But baby behaved well and as cute as it may sound, my friend Dodo brought me a baby book to keep records of our baby’s first indication to this world. The baby didn’t give me morning sickness, or I wasn’t nauseous much. Though I suffered from severe high fever for two nights and took away my husband’s two nights sleep. Poor thing, he was with me every time I was not well, and probably baby was with me too. I don’t know if it is my mind but whenever he stoked my belly, my pain would go away and he was always there for me to do that.

My angels

My two little nephews are here at my place for their vacation along with their mom. They are six and three and we call them acho and nochu. Though I come home late, I play with them as much as I can. I watch movies with them and teach them to say “wow” every time something beautiful happens or “common” to encourage a character in the cartoon movie. I teach them how to speak English in an American accent, teach them to sing a song or two. Time just flies and it is bed time before I know it. I hug the little one every time he is around me. I think I am irritating him when I cuddle him or kiss him on his soft cheek or ask him for good night kiss because he just becomes reluctant sometimes. He couldn’t deny when I sing a long “phulease…” to him. So innocent they are that I wish if every human could be like child, if I could be like them. When I am in my office I am constantly missing them, not that I sit idle and think of them but they have the way of staying right there in my heart keeping my smile on my lips. So, every time I go home after my office I thank them with big package of jelly belly and help them finish it also. Kids are heaven sent, they are little angels without wings and they just make my day every day. Well, have one and you will know what I am talking about here. And those of you who have, I don’t think you need to read this but I don’t mind because as you do it, you will think of your angels and you will see them right there making you all smile. Yeah, that was what I was talking about. You are lucky you have them and even luckier because you value them.

P.S: I wrote this last year when the kids visited me during their vacation. They came back this year also leaving me all happy as always. Miss them so much, everyday.

Delima

I promised my friend that betrayal by Kezang would be a bitter lesson in my life. That was five years back, before I met Thinley; I thought I would never fall in love. Five years ago, when I joined college I was shattered and betrayed while I should have been excited and nervous. My dad thought I looked sad because of the fact I would feel homesick. Well, that was a reason too but second one.

Somehow, I managed to break my promise and I owe my friend for that. Once again I was hit by a cupid’s arrow and I fell into unconditional love with Thinley. Gradually, I forgot the betrayal, the pain eased me and my heart started beating for someone special other than myself.

Soon after graduating, we married each other and at that moment I was the happiest in the world.

But however deeply I am in love with Thinley won’t change the fact that Kezang was my first love. I thought I have come to compromise my love, thought his love conquered me until I met kezang recently and everything became so absurd. As much as I love being in love with my Thinley, there is this little voice in me that says I need to be with my first love.

It scares me more and I find difficult to understand the complexity of this romanticism between my loves. And I find myself more lost in the web of this complexity. I, for one, am lucky to have Thinley who has been there for me when I needed him the most, he is the kind of person I have dreamt of being with and this fact even hurts me more when I think of leaving him behind.  But this selfish thought clings to me like I am an addict and every time I think of moving ahead, forgetting my past, it kills me. And every time I see Kezang, I feel like sixteen year old school going girl and things become worst.

When I met Kezang after five years (after he betrayed me), all I could remember is the love we had for each other, the time we spent together. I couldn’t believe that the moment I saw him, the betrayal, the pain he gave me were all evaporated.  I wonder at how much love can do to you and also take from you. I wonder if we loved each other so much back then. I wonder if the fact of I being unavailable is making this fleeting love irresistible. However, I may think of it, I know I am getting into deeper mess and having a good time myself altogether. The guilty pleasure of meeting him secretly makes things even scarier but one of those breath taking moments where I feel like I am the happiest person in the whole world. 

I feel like my heart is playing a tug-o-war between the reality and the world where I can never get to live it. I blamed my mother partly for the mess I am in today. When I talked to her about those serious things, she was more scared than I am of the fear I might leave Thinley. She tried to bring me to an agreement that life, sometimes, is not about what we want. I laughed weekly at this sappy saying and the truth in it. I try to justify to myself but every time I land up with same question: why me? But when I look into those honest eyes of Thinley, I feel very week at knees and I can’t even think of leaving him. I know the love I have for him is still less, for the person he is, and perhaps that’s the reason my love for him increases moment by moment.

I nearly collapsed once when Thinley told me that the only achievement in his life is his ability to find and marry his true love. Every time I lose faith in my fate, he pulls me back and things looks way brighter even it means not having the person I love near me. I know Kezang would never give me the respect I have from Thinley, the space for the person I am, the circle of friends I have and equally the love I have from Thinley. If Thinley can give me all the things which make my life worthwhile to live, I can definitely give him my unconditional love. Perhaps that’s the reason I love him uncompromised to this day.

Now, as I wake up in the morning every day I can smile for the things I have done. And when I go to bed every night I pray that I get Thinley as my love in my every generation.

Me and My life

Which part of life doesn’t look messy? If I were to paint my life, it would be like one of that beautiful art which most people, including myself, fail to understand. It at least means I have some occasional bright colors to make it worth living. I still wonder at how much I have made it through. A responsible host for my dad’s funeral, when I was an age old in my job, running into debt for almost a year, parental responsibility at an age where I didn’t even know what first love means. When I look back it looks like forever. I can’t believe myself I am 25 because I feel way too older than that.