I have been going through the bumpy road since the day I flew to Melbourne from Bangkok. I was pretty geared up for this but somehow I really couldn’t make myself understand why I am doing such a terrible thing to my family and myself. I think sometimes we are really not ready to accept the things even when is obvious.
Being a mother to barely a two year old daughter, I always have and will hate the part of leaving her back home with her father while I come here to enjoy the freedom of so called pursing masters. But believe me, I am always guilty and the last thing that I want to hear is someone saying that I don’t care for my daughter. I know it is apparently true; otherwise I wouldn’t be leaving her at the first place. And knowing what I did for her, I am still not able to accept the fact that I might not have cared for her, because I always think about how things could have turned the right way. When I see a little girl talking to her mom in a public transport, I think about her. When I hear a baby’s cry, I think about her. When I see pictures of babies on “Am I Cute” page in Facebook, I think about her. When I read the blog by Beth on http://putdowntheurinalcake.com, I think about her. Oh, how much I miss her and yet I cannot do anything. The least I can do is skype with her but she gets easily bored. Perhaps she doesn’t remember me at all now. And that is the punishment for me and I deserve it.
But I am not a timid mother or woman, for that matter, to drown myself in sorrows and self-pity. I am an optimist and I always believed in silver lining in the dark clouds, the rescue by the charming prince, and in that sappy saying that the good thing about bad stuffs is that it comes to an end too. I may have felt like punching myself for what I did, but I always end my day with a hope that I can also be a better mother. I will just have to prove it to myself.