I
have been going through the bumpy road since the day I flew to Melbourne from
Bangkok. I was pretty geared up for this but somehow I really couldn’t make
myself understand why I am doing such a terrible thing to my family and myself.
I think sometimes we are really not ready to accept the things even when is
obvious.
Being
a mother to barely a two year old daughter, I always have and will hate the
part of leaving her back home with her father while I come here to enjoy the
freedom of so called pursing masters. But believe me, I am always guilty and
the last thing that I want to hear is someone saying that I don’t care for my daughter.
I know it is apparently true; otherwise I wouldn’t be leaving her at the first
place. And knowing what I did for her, I am still not able to accept the fact
that I might not have cared for her, because I always think about how things
could have turned the right way. When I see a little girl talking to her mom in
a public transport, I think about her. When I hear a baby’s cry, I think about
her. When I see pictures of babies on “Am I Cute” page in Facebook, I think
about her. When I read the blog by Beth
on http://putdowntheurinalcake.com,
I think about her. Oh, how much I miss her and yet I cannot do anything. The
least I can do is skype with her but she gets easily bored. Perhaps she doesn’t
remember me at all now. And that is the punishment for me and I deserve it.
But
I am not a timid mother or woman, for that matter, to drown myself in sorrows
and self-pity. I am an optimist and I always believed in silver lining in the
dark clouds, the rescue by the charming prince, and in that sappy saying that
the good thing about bad stuffs is that it comes to an end too. I may have felt like punching myself for what I
did, but I always end my day with a hope that I can also be a better mother. I will just
have to prove it to myself.
I can see how much you miss her. A nice post, ma'am. Go all the way and prove that what you did was to become a better mother for her. :)
ReplyDeleteAww...sweet. thanks.
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