Growing Up...

“Happy Mummy’s Day, Mom”, my little girl held out a cute doddle of supposedly me on the bright orange paper. I was so overwhelmed and so thankful that I have such beautiful people who inspire me to be a better person every day. If not for anyone, I will strive to be better mommy, and better person, for that matter, for my little girl, who has taught me so much more than I did to her. Through her, I grew up too, my thoughts widened and my perspective increased. In the process of teaching her what is right and what is not, and by answering to her innocent questions, I molded myself into someone better than I used to be. And when I see my girl growing up little by little and by the way she takes in world, I think I am doing better job as a mother, though I doubt myself  lot sometimes. We (my dear husband and I) have never resorted to spanking her as a solution for something she does wrong. In fact, we appreciated her for speaking out the truth, even when she thought what she did, was something scary. This way, it has helped me with my patience and temper, it helped me understand more that not all people have similar thoughts and that every person has different feelings of what is right and wrong.

We tell her that it is alright to say sorry even when you are not at wrong and if that makes someone feel better. By doing so, it helped me forgive more people who have had hurt me or my parents or my siblings. It has made me feel so much better by freeing my heart from remorse feelings. Everyone have their reasons for having done whatever they did. I hope that they made right decisions at that moment.

When I told my little girl that we should appreciate what ever little we have, I have thought of all the people who have lesser than us and learned the happiness in giving and sharing. I am not saying that I am a perfect mother; I do have days when I feel I am not doing it well. I do cry, at night when my little girl is asleep near me and think about times I have made her cross and cry, unintentionally, and I do need constant encouragement from my dear husband that I am doing it quite well. I complain about myself to my dear husband “I am the worst mother”. However, I have come to realize that when it comes to loving your child, no matter how much you love them and care them, you still feel it is not enough and that it is quite normal to feel distress at yourself when you make them feel upset.

I smile as I conclude my musing and think about this little cute incidence with my girl:

It was a quiet evening and I was giving bath to my girl. She complained that her friend pushed and she bruised her elbow and that it was hurting when I poured water on it. I was like “how did it happen and did you inform your teacher that your friend pushed you”? She meekly answered “no Mom, I didn’t inform my teacher because she would scold my friend. And He didn’t push me on purpose, it was an accident”. I could not be prouder as my eyes welled up.  

Hopeful Mother

I have been going through the bumpy road since the day I flew to Melbourne from Bangkok. I was pretty geared up for this but somehow I really couldn’t make myself understand why I am doing such a terrible thing to my family and myself. I think sometimes we are really not ready to accept the things even when is obvious.

Being a mother to barely a two year old daughter, I always have and will hate the part of leaving her back home with her father while I come here to enjoy the freedom of so called pursing masters. But believe me, I am always guilty and the last thing that I want to hear is someone saying that I don’t care for my daughter. I know it is apparently true; otherwise I wouldn’t be leaving her at the first place. And knowing what I did for her, I am still not able to accept the fact that I might not have cared for her, because I always think about how things could have turned the right way. When I see a little girl talking to her mom in a public transport, I think about her. When I hear a baby’s cry, I think about her. When I see pictures of babies on “Am I Cute” page in Facebook, I think about her.  When I read the blog by Beth on http://putdowntheurinalcake.com, I think about her. Oh, how much I miss her and yet I cannot do anything. The least I can do is skype with her but she gets easily bored. Perhaps she doesn’t remember me at all now. And that is the punishment for me and I deserve it.  

But I am not a timid mother or woman, for that matter, to drown myself in sorrows and self-pity. I am an optimist and I always believed in silver lining in the dark clouds, the rescue by the charming prince, and in that sappy saying that the good thing about bad stuffs is that it comes to an end too.  I may have felt like punching myself for what I did, but I always end my day with a hope that  I can also be a better mother. I will just have to prove it to myself. 

My darling little girl

My daring little baby girl is just over 9 months now. As she is growing up, I feel that she is moving away from me and soon she will have a life of her own which she will decide on how to live herself. The day she came to my arms for the very first time, I can never have that feeling again. And she will never be that small and little again. But as she is growing, she has a knack of making me smile with my heart content that she is a girl who made me a mom and makes me feel lucky in every sense. No one change that fact, the day she was in my tummy, I was her momsie dear. I still remember the dark damp jet black hair and rosy cheeks, the shrill cry of not knowing how to suckle the breast milk. Oh. It makes me feel so relieved that I have her as my baby girl.

She has started crawling and standing up (with a support) altogether. Her front cutting teeth has cut through with a week of fever and continues diarrhea. We Bhutanese believe that with every milestone of a child’s growth, baby falls sick which I believe is true because my little one has gone through the same stages.

She has also started blabbering gibberish things which we don’t understand but make her say it again and again. She shrieks “otha” and so many others if she is excited or wants to go out. She directs her gaze to TV and Wall clock when we ask her where it is. She looks so adorable with her curly hair and fair skin that I want to hold her so tight in my arms. I am glad I am a mother and a mother of a baby girl who is so cute and adorable.

This is picture which I took when she was little more than 9 month at our home. She looks so adorable in her white top. Her curly hair matches her complexion. She is holding my 19^th century Nokia phone, which she likes to put it in her mouth quite frequently. She was not well that day with fever and diarrhea and we were about to leave to Pediatrician. My sister Choki wanted to see her picture so much that I took this for her.