Growing Up...

“Happy Mummy’s Day, Mom”, my little girl held out a cute doddle of supposedly me on the bright orange paper. I was so overwhelmed and so thankful that I have such beautiful people who inspire me to be a better person every day. If not for anyone, I will strive to be better mommy, and better person, for that matter, for my little girl, who has taught me so much more than I did to her. Through her, I grew up too, my thoughts widened and my perspective increased. In the process of teaching her what is right and what is not, and by answering to her innocent questions, I molded myself into someone better than I used to be. And when I see my girl growing up little by little and by the way she takes in world, I think I am doing better job as a mother, though I doubt myself  lot sometimes. We (my dear husband and I) have never resorted to spanking her as a solution for something she does wrong. In fact, we appreciated her for speaking out the truth, even when she thought what she did, was something scary. This way, it has helped me with my patience and temper, it helped me understand more that not all people have similar thoughts and that every person has different feelings of what is right and wrong.

We tell her that it is alright to say sorry even when you are not at wrong and if that makes someone feel better. By doing so, it helped me forgive more people who have had hurt me or my parents or my siblings. It has made me feel so much better by freeing my heart from remorse feelings. Everyone have their reasons for having done whatever they did. I hope that they made right decisions at that moment.

When I told my little girl that we should appreciate what ever little we have, I have thought of all the people who have lesser than us and learned the happiness in giving and sharing. I am not saying that I am a perfect mother; I do have days when I feel I am not doing it well. I do cry, at night when my little girl is asleep near me and think about times I have made her cross and cry, unintentionally, and I do need constant encouragement from my dear husband that I am doing it quite well. I complain about myself to my dear husband “I am the worst mother”. However, I have come to realize that when it comes to loving your child, no matter how much you love them and care them, you still feel it is not enough and that it is quite normal to feel distress at yourself when you make them feel upset.

I smile as I conclude my musing and think about this little cute incidence with my girl:

It was a quiet evening and I was giving bath to my girl. She complained that her friend pushed and she bruised her elbow and that it was hurting when I poured water on it. I was like “how did it happen and did you inform your teacher that your friend pushed you”? She meekly answered “no Mom, I didn’t inform my teacher because she would scold my friend. And He didn’t push me on purpose, it was an accident”. I could not be prouder as my eyes welled up.  

Hopeful Mother

I have been going through the bumpy road since the day I flew to Melbourne from Bangkok. I was pretty geared up for this but somehow I really couldn’t make myself understand why I am doing such a terrible thing to my family and myself. I think sometimes we are really not ready to accept the things even when is obvious.

Being a mother to barely a two year old daughter, I always have and will hate the part of leaving her back home with her father while I come here to enjoy the freedom of so called pursing masters. But believe me, I am always guilty and the last thing that I want to hear is someone saying that I don’t care for my daughter. I know it is apparently true; otherwise I wouldn’t be leaving her at the first place. And knowing what I did for her, I am still not able to accept the fact that I might not have cared for her, because I always think about how things could have turned the right way. When I see a little girl talking to her mom in a public transport, I think about her. When I hear a baby’s cry, I think about her. When I see pictures of babies on “Am I Cute” page in Facebook, I think about her.  When I read the blog by Beth on http://putdowntheurinalcake.com, I think about her. Oh, how much I miss her and yet I cannot do anything. The least I can do is skype with her but she gets easily bored. Perhaps she doesn’t remember me at all now. And that is the punishment for me and I deserve it.  

But I am not a timid mother or woman, for that matter, to drown myself in sorrows and self-pity. I am an optimist and I always believed in silver lining in the dark clouds, the rescue by the charming prince, and in that sappy saying that the good thing about bad stuffs is that it comes to an end too.  I may have felt like punching myself for what I did, but I always end my day with a hope that  I can also be a better mother. I will just have to prove it to myself. 

3rd October, 2011

I decided to work at home from today. Not that I wanted to take rest but because it was uncomfortable going to work in kira. With my belly so big, I had to arrange my kira time and again and it left red marks at the end of the day. So, as my boss agreed, I stayed at home and tried to work. As I sat down with my laptop before me, my baby kicked so hard that I let out a shrill cry with pain. And I am lost in the world when the baby will be around. I am excited to think that she/he will be home in few weeks. I am scared too but sheer joy over comes those fears. I am thinking, who would she/he look like? How would she behave when she is big enough to know us, parents? Sometimes I am scared if we will be able to give her the best parenting ever because with me going away for studies in US and my husband’s timely travel to his sites? But for now, I just console myself that things will be better one way or other. But again I don’t know.

Last time I made a visit to Kinley Pem’s place. I saw her mom bath her baby and how much elder people are there for her to give advice. I looked so small in the place that I felt like my eyes are all welled up. I felt so poor that I missed my parents so much. But I am happy that kinley has all of what I am missing. Her mom gave me a couple of advices on how to take care of baby’s neck while giving bath and the small things which mattered so largely to bring up a baby. I went home sad at my heart and yet excited about the baby. I was sure then that no other person, who is not a mother, would perfectly understand what I went through.

I cried that night thinking of the people I have lost in my life and that fact that my husband was upset and that gave me all the more reason to cry. He didn’t talk to me and I felt so lonely that I wished if my sister and her sons were here.  

Being Parents!

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be mother and neither was my husband sure about it. But we were not surprised when the pregnancy test gave us positive result. Though we were little shaky afterwards thinking about how to manage (not forgetting the poor management we are at everything). But once he saw out little baby move in Ultra sound he was sure he was ready and I couldn’t agree more.
I was panicky in the beginning knowing the fact that we are alone in this. Our parents are not with us to guide us or to tell us their story or to be involved in our little happiness that we have learnt to build our world in. we shared our little happiness with everyone (didn’t realize that we have to keep it a secret for first three months).
But baby behaved well and as cute as it may sound, my friend Dodo brought me a baby book to keep records of our baby’s first indication to this world. The baby didn’t give me morning sickness, or I wasn’t nauseous much. Though I suffered from severe high fever for two nights and took away my husband’s two nights sleep. Poor thing, he was with me every time I was not well, and probably baby was with me too. I don’t know if it is my mind but whenever he stoked my belly, my pain would go away and he was always there for me to do that.