Hopeful Mother

I have been going through the bumpy road since the day I flew to Melbourne from Bangkok. I was pretty geared up for this but somehow I really couldn’t make myself understand why I am doing such a terrible thing to my family and myself. I think sometimes we are really not ready to accept the things even when is obvious.

Being a mother to barely a two year old daughter, I always have and will hate the part of leaving her back home with her father while I come here to enjoy the freedom of so called pursing masters. But believe me, I am always guilty and the last thing that I want to hear is someone saying that I don’t care for my daughter. I know it is apparently true; otherwise I wouldn’t be leaving her at the first place. And knowing what I did for her, I am still not able to accept the fact that I might not have cared for her, because I always think about how things could have turned the right way. When I see a little girl talking to her mom in a public transport, I think about her. When I hear a baby’s cry, I think about her. When I see pictures of babies on “Am I Cute” page in Facebook, I think about her.  When I read the blog by Beth on http://putdowntheurinalcake.com, I think about her. Oh, how much I miss her and yet I cannot do anything. The least I can do is skype with her but she gets easily bored. Perhaps she doesn’t remember me at all now. And that is the punishment for me and I deserve it.  

But I am not a timid mother or woman, for that matter, to drown myself in sorrows and self-pity. I am an optimist and I always believed in silver lining in the dark clouds, the rescue by the charming prince, and in that sappy saying that the good thing about bad stuffs is that it comes to an end too.  I may have felt like punching myself for what I did, but I always end my day with a hope that  I can also be a better mother. I will just have to prove it to myself. 

Crazy Things During Exam Time

I have posted this question on my Facebook status: What is the craziest thing you do during your exam preparation time? Because I always have this weirdest ideas of having to do so many things on this particular period. I look forward to taking a break from the study time and spend time on those things. Things like I am doing it right now. Like blogging is more important than studying at this hour. Or things like watching Michele Phan's videos on makeup tutorials. For god sake, I don't even do make up. Or or watch the top 100 billboard from last week. Or watch news,  I hardly have time for that when I am free.

Lately I am obsessed with the itch to clean my house because suddenly it is screaming for my attention. Hopefully, this feeling wont go away once my exams are over. Excitedly waiting for the exams to be over. Believe it or not, I am still feeling like a high school girl only this time I have a god sent husband and a beautiful daughter by my side. Smile.
   

The Storm is finally coming to an End.

The worst days are coming to an end soon. The best thing about this storm is that we learnt how difficult it is to stay away from each other. Our love grew stronger and we knew that we can’t live without the presence of each other. There was never a day when I didn’t cry thinking about my family back at home. The simple thing in life brought tears in my eyes, the simple writings touched me and the quotes on life seem very true to our life. The lyrics of songs made more sense and feel that some of the songs are just made for us.  When I see so many people around me, I feel I am the unhappy one. I feel lonely most of the time having to wander alone amongst the midst of strangers. It is like a darkness has befallen on me. I wonder sometimes, is this some kind of hell? Because hell can be anywhere. I feel more sad when I think of death and the little time we have with us and we are already living apart. I don’t want our daughter to feel the absence of me or her father. I regret having induced such kind of situation in our life. But as days pass, I keep my fingers crossed and keep on counting days for my reunion with my family. 

Appreciation

Being Buddhist helps me a lot in keeping alive my relationship with people, especially with my husband, Sonam Tashi. I know we expect a lot from our better halves on what-not-things and we easily get hurt if it isn’t the way we want. Speaking from women’s point of view (I think I better understand my own gender better), we expect our man to be our hero. We expect Him to help us in kitchen, cook during Losar (“losar is the new year celebration in Bhutan), and take care of kids while we have girl’s night out. We expect our man to totally spoil us if not anything. On the other hand, men (not all men are same though) expect his better half to cook, do the laundry and look beautiful (well, that’s what I think, at least). However, looking carefully, that is where all the problems start because it is not happening as we thought or the way wanted. And there is where the differences starts and we don’t want to understand what he/she thinks or wants because “I” am always right.

To look at it differently, we don’t appreciate how much he/she is doing for us apart from worrying about all other little things. Though I don’t speak out much, my husband is one person who deserves appreciation for the entire thing he does. He is cute in his own little handsome way. There are times when we have our bad days but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect him for the person he is. He is and will be my best friend.

Being happy does not mean you have to have and own everything. Though Sonam earns a lot (in Bhutanese context), there are times when we hardly go out for dinner or movie or pamper ourselves with unwanted cloths and stuffs. And we laugh at our poorness. But that does not limit my dear husband to make huge donations and that is where all our income goes. Sometimes, our source of income is booked in advance as to which loop-hole it has to be take care of.

He is a kind of man I have always wanted to spend my entire life with. Giving away in cash and kinds is his hobby (well, that’s what I think). His wardrobe is almost empty because of his kindness and because we couldn’t afford to go for shopping. But that does not mean we haven’t been paying taxes, rents and our relatives the pocket money. It simply means we are happy the way we are.

The Disappointment

Dechen is a very simple girl. She would smile though she had many reasons not to. She created an atmosphere of comfort, simplicity and trust. She would do anything to help others for she thought if she didn't she wouldn't be any different from other people. The thought always gave her enough strength to look at the face of people who had hurt her parents and in a way hurt her too. She wanted to forget the things that had happened yet it keeps on popping up. She thought it might have been far better if He, her dad's adopted son, has hurt her instead of her dad. 

Her dad gave anything but didn't give up giving him education despite his poor brain. He flunked in many grades, yet her dad kept on moving. Finally he completed his tenth grade but helplessly he had to be sent to India for he couldn't qualify for Kanglung and there were no private colleges during His time. Her dad merely earned a month's salary only to be sent away to his Son. Yet Dechen didn't mind because all she wanted was her dad to be happy and she was content that he was. She would read the letter sent by Him asking for more money. He would write that Dad was His God Father and He owes him more than his real dad. Touched by His letter, her dad would send more money every month.

Finally a day arrived; he waved the tassel wearing his graduation gown. He was so happy that he forgot to turn his back, to hold the hands of the one who always had lend to him, and failed to see the tears in the eyes of the one who always wanted to brush His tears away. He galloped lost in His selfish reasons. Dechen's dad suffered an unknown disease. Sometimes Dechen could feel the pain in her dad's eyes, the pain of betrayal, and the pain of abandonment by his loved son, though he prayed for his wellness. This only made Dechen dislike her so-called brother more. But her dad has taught her that if she disliked him so much than she wouldn't be any different from Him. The very thought of being similar to Him makes her feel weak from inside. But every dog has its own day and deep inside Dechen's heart she still remembers the pain in her dad's eyes and thought she will never forgive Him.

(How would you feel if every time you see the person and remembers He/She is the one who had hurt your parents so much that it brought tears in their eyes?)

The Responsibility

Sedey was brought up as a responsible child, a responsible daughter, and as a responsible sister. She now stands as a responsible working woman. Though, she had her own conditions of living her life, her prioritized aphorism was to die without hurting her parents, siblings, and friends. But sometimes life tested her patience; at least dealing with kids did that. Her sister stays with her, not because she wanted to but she might have thought she will accompany her sister. Sedey worries about her sister, not that her sister had a bad history but she is a girl, an innocent girl. Just like any other mother, she worries about her sister too. Her sister, unlike Sedey was an outgoing girl and sporty which made her friends to be mostly males. But the small community in which Sedey live, the words get spread like wildfire. The histories are created naturally. And she worries if her sister could easily be the victim of such history. Sedey explains to her little sister how difficult it is to sway away from the rules of society and to be different. She does everything to make her understand that she trust her, to make her to be more vigilant, to make her realize her purpose, to let her know she worry about her. All said and done, she again hears complains against her going out with male friends. Sedey, in her own conscious could not cross the line she thought there exist. She could not tell her sister not to be friends with the male anymore when all along her sister had had maximum of male friends. She could not make her sister change her life style, the style she had lived so far. Sedey could not be so narrow and make her sister live her way of life because she understands her sister is born in another generation. Sedey fears that if something goes wrong with her sister's life, she would be responsible for it and she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for that. Yet she doesn't want her sister to live the monotonous life of books which Sedey lived before.

Communication Gap

I have always been a loner or rather say I was lonely in most of the path I treaded in life or I don’t know but when I look back then nobody was there for me when I desperately needed an advice or two. I lost my mom when I was a little kid and my dad has always been busy either with his work or gambling. It’s like a guardian angel guiding me, encouraging me to move on. I studied hard, burnt mid night candles, read more books, and read more books. I still remember my father’s forgotten promises of presenting gifts if I topped the class. But I didn’t mind him and ignored his ignorance.

My father brought a stepmother, and I didn’t say anything. Though I didn’t love her, I didn’t hate her also. I thought she was a maid at first, an innocent thought perhaps. But I was sent to a boarding school because my step mother didn’t like me. I didn’t question my dad for sending me away. Off I went to school and never complained. I have seen my friends being homesick and crying. Yeah, I cried a lot reading books and listening to music not because I was homesick but I missed my mom, I guess. I don’t remember a day I didn’t cry in memory of my mom. When I completed my middle secondary, I was kept with my paternal uncles to because my boarding school was very far. My cousins hated me, scribbled in my diary but I studied hard I guess. After completion of my high school, I was off for my college.

Soon I graduated and now I am working in a place not very away from my dad’s place. Though we meet often, we hardly find anything to talk on. Within a day, I would be bored to death not having anyone near me to talk to. As I look into his eyes at his tender age, I can’t believe he is the man who used to beat my mom while she lived. The thoughts overwhelm my heart and my eyes well up but I wonder if I can forgive him for this.  

But deep inside me, I feel my father regrets for all the things he had done or for that matter, the things he had not done in his entire life. He missed all the beautiful things that a father could have experienced. The love, the care, the support, the advices…..he could have given to me but it is too late for him now because that’s what I am doing for my kids. Somehow I feel, I have learnt my lesson through my father. I don’t have much of an idea of being loved by my own parents. And that’s the only thing I regret in life. Perhaps, I will live my life in knowing the truth that I love my children more not my father less.

(*Any resemblance to person living or dead, is purely coincidental)

Lost

2009

I grew up with this hope and dreams that I will take care of my dad, I will give him what he deserved, and I will take him to pilgrimages. So, I did my best to be at the place where I can fulfill all those dreams of mine. I have been his best daughter, I studied well, and I did everything to make worth of what my dad put on to bring me up. He brought me well, gave me the best attires; best education, best meals and of all he gave me his best. He did his part well and I am sure many of my friends have been envious of his love towards me. But no one’s life can be so perfect. Because this world is a Samsara, my dad and I couldn’t escape the fact that we are also one of the beings, happy at one time and the other time there was no trace of happiness being ever walked on our lives? We had our own share of happiness and sorrows. I know there is no use thinking of what could have been done or about the things which was never meant to happen. But what is there to life when your only purpose and reason is no longer in existence? When the only flame of hope of your life has been put off? It is the same every day, everywhere. There is no charm of doing anything. I have forgotten the excitement of spending my weekends. I don’t remember the last time I smelled the freshness of flowers in spring, or playing with puppies, or going for a shopping spree. All I can remember is my work. This is kind of becoming addicted but I don’t mind because I think I am happy this way. It is like I don’t want anything beautiful to happen in my life that I don’t have my dad near me to share it. I know the old cliché that there are people who suffer more than me, who have lost more than me. The show of life will have to move on. But reality hurts badly.

It is not like I am crazy and I want to take away my own life. It is just that I have forgotten to count my blessings. It is just that I was used to living in light. Suddenly the light went off and here I stand in dark trying to adapt my eyes.  I wonder how long will be the dark adaptation.

Me and My life

Which part of life doesn’t look messy? If I were to paint my life, it would be like one of that beautiful art which most people, including myself, fail to understand. It at least means I have some occasional bright colors to make it worth living. I still wonder at how much I have made it through. A responsible host for my dad’s funeral, when I was an age old in my job, running into debt for almost a year, parental responsibility at an age where I didn’t even know what first love means. When I look back it looks like forever. I can’t believe myself I am 25 because I feel way too older than that.