Heart Wrenching Pains

There are moments in life, when you cannot simply explain how you are feeling because it is just too heart wrenching. I have come across this moment when Sonam Tashi’s nephew Thinley Chojur passed away at 2 months. He suffered acute heart failure. I can’t imagine the pain being endured by him alone. His mother and we talked about him being spoilt when he cried when actually he was suffering so much with pain.

Sonam Tashi’s elder sister was with us for couple of days. She came along with her youngest son for her treatment. She complained of burning skins like being bitten by nettles. We did Rimdros, took her for Zhabthrue for her recovery.  Wednesday was holiday (Daisain) and I was at home watching Pem Zangmo, my cousin bathe the baby. I noticed baby was suffering from breathlessness. I suspected Pneumonia but he didn’t have cough and cold and when I put my ear close to his back, his breathes were not hoarse. We decided to take him to pediatrician the next day.

We went to Doc. Phillips for the checkups. We were asked to do chest x ray of Thinley. Doc. Phillips advised to urgently admit him to the ward after looking at his x-ray result. Before we could reach the ward, he went blue. I was scared to death, my heart was pounding so fast and I couldn’t stop saying “aiee”. Once we were in the ward, the nurse gave the oxygen supplement to him which made him recover from going blue. The nurse drew blood from such tiny hand and he started crying more. He was breathing so hard. The nurse mentioned that he being heart patient, he will go blue every time he cries hard. I briefly looked at Doctors prescription and saw, engrossed heart, unstable pulse, breathlessness- all symptoms of heart failure.

He kept on crying and he was immediately admitted to PICU. Only on attendant was allowed inside. My sister in law who couldn’t stop crying and I, helplessly waited outside praying hard for the pain to subside. Finally, I called Sonam Tashi to come and just be near his sister. We went home since it was useless standing outside. We informed Ata Tsewang Dorji, Thinley’s Father that he can call us if emergency things happens.

We went to bed with the hope that everything will be fine. I consoled the mother saying that there are many heart patients who has recovered. However, we received the call from hospital that the case has become worst and the baby is suffering seriously. Sonam Tashi and his sister went to hospital and I stayed back with Zamin praying.

Sonam Tashi called me to inform that Thinley is no more with us. I made preparation at home for the rituals. Later I learnt from Sonam that Thinley suffered so much pain. I cried at the pain he had to endure at such a tender age. I really can’t explain how much overwhelmed I was. Think about his mother. 

Letter from my Brother

I was tremendously feeling low and wrote a long mail to my little brother. This is the response I got from him which made me more proud than I ever was.

hi Ana,

I can understand what you all are going through and we should know that in life things doesn't go the way we want it to be, yet we got to hold on to it and have patients. I also know that people come and go in your small sweet home but you should be proud and have pride that you are able to help them. Being a wife to Sonam Tashi you too have the duty and responsibilities for his family too. Just don't loss your head and be strong dear. i know that you have greater burden to carry for us, here i will study hard and hopefully i hope that one day i will be able to ease your burden and relive you with some of the responsibilities. Apart from all other things i do here i always have my primary responsibilities in my mind.

Things are tough right now dear, things will get well sooner or later. From here i wish that i could do better things than feeling helpless but i can't, but some day i hope i will be able to make you proud. 

For now have faith, trust your husband and be a good helping hand for him. I know that you are doing it already, still than don't let all those thoughts hunt you, don't let your heart to be heavy, and don't let yourself feel low. chin up, smile always and be happy. Know that we are proud of you. You have been the mother to us and I LOVE YOU. 

Till than take care and keep smiling and don't let things like that affect your mood and ya don't think too much nadu mo. See Ya soon and missing you all. 

with lots love

Tshering Dorji.  

Struggling to be Positive, Daily.

Sonam Tashi complained, one night, that I am becoming negative. I took his comment very negatively and snapped back by telling him that he has become judgmental. But his feedback took me hours to go to sleep, reflecting when and how I picked up this habit. It is easier to be negative and never know that it is part of your life but the task is Hercules, when it comes to train yourself to look for positive aspects of life. Negative is contagious as mentioned in the article “6 ways to be positive in any situation – www.thinksimplenow.com”

Being positive is the choice we can make. Last night, I completely drowned myself to self pity because I was not feeling well and Sonam Tashi didn’t even care. I came to office without speaking a word to him. And to make the matter worse, he left to his site without dropping me off to work. I was so pissed that I sworn I will make him regret. But meanwhile, I was making it hard on myself, feeling sad, feeling unhappy and feeling so remorseful looking at myself. Why am I doing it when Sonam Tashi doesn’t have a clue on what is running in my mind? Why am I being so ridiculous, when I can make things better for myself and for everyone?

I changed my prospective then. I choose to take away that negativity from my mind because who knows how long I am to live. I might die tomorrow without apologizing to the people I love and care. I thought I am not going to let negativity rule my life. I went home feeling very light hearted and happy. Try it yourself, it works wonder.

Making it better, everyday

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

courtsey: www.cherrybam.com

I never thought Nicholas Sparks is so right until I entered in to relationship of girlfriend-boyfriend with Sonam Tashi. It was very hard from the beginning when he decided alone that he doesn’t want to be in relationship anymore with me. I still wonder to this day why he changed his mind like a pendulum from one swing to another. Perhaps it was love, because after knowing that he wanted to dump me, I was and am with him to this day.

It is hard to think straight when we are mad with our better half. All we want to do is shout our lungs outs but with soft voices so that the people sitting in the living room doesn’t have a clue about what is going on. The good trait of my husband is that he doesn’t want to argue but wants his way. The big “but” messes up everything. And there are times when I get on his nerves and make him go crazy (compelling him to go for a walk). The silent walk out from the living room is that proof that he is mad with me. But like Nicholas Sparks states and like any other successful relationships, we are going to have to work at our relationship everyday and nurture it like a new born baby. Because all that matters, at the end of the day, is that we love each other, everyday and forever.