The Disappointment

Dechen is a very simple girl. She would smile though she had many reasons not to. She created an atmosphere of comfort, simplicity and trust. She would do anything to help others for she thought if she didn't she wouldn't be any different from other people. The thought always gave her enough strength to look at the face of people who had hurt her parents and in a way hurt her too. She wanted to forget the things that had happened yet it keeps on popping up. She thought it might have been far better if He, her dad's adopted son, has hurt her instead of her dad. 

Her dad gave anything but didn't give up giving him education despite his poor brain. He flunked in many grades, yet her dad kept on moving. Finally he completed his tenth grade but helplessly he had to be sent to India for he couldn't qualify for Kanglung and there were no private colleges during His time. Her dad merely earned a month's salary only to be sent away to his Son. Yet Dechen didn't mind because all she wanted was her dad to be happy and she was content that he was. She would read the letter sent by Him asking for more money. He would write that Dad was His God Father and He owes him more than his real dad. Touched by His letter, her dad would send more money every month.

Finally a day arrived; he waved the tassel wearing his graduation gown. He was so happy that he forgot to turn his back, to hold the hands of the one who always had lend to him, and failed to see the tears in the eyes of the one who always wanted to brush His tears away. He galloped lost in His selfish reasons. Dechen's dad suffered an unknown disease. Sometimes Dechen could feel the pain in her dad's eyes, the pain of betrayal, and the pain of abandonment by his loved son, though he prayed for his wellness. This only made Dechen dislike her so-called brother more. But her dad has taught her that if she disliked him so much than she wouldn't be any different from Him. The very thought of being similar to Him makes her feel weak from inside. But every dog has its own day and deep inside Dechen's heart she still remembers the pain in her dad's eyes and thought she will never forgive Him.

(How would you feel if every time you see the person and remembers He/She is the one who had hurt your parents so much that it brought tears in their eyes?)

The Responsibility

Sedey was brought up as a responsible child, a responsible daughter, and as a responsible sister. She now stands as a responsible working woman. Though, she had her own conditions of living her life, her prioritized aphorism was to die without hurting her parents, siblings, and friends. But sometimes life tested her patience; at least dealing with kids did that. Her sister stays with her, not because she wanted to but she might have thought she will accompany her sister. Sedey worries about her sister, not that her sister had a bad history but she is a girl, an innocent girl. Just like any other mother, she worries about her sister too. Her sister, unlike Sedey was an outgoing girl and sporty which made her friends to be mostly males. But the small community in which Sedey live, the words get spread like wildfire. The histories are created naturally. And she worries if her sister could easily be the victim of such history. Sedey explains to her little sister how difficult it is to sway away from the rules of society and to be different. She does everything to make her understand that she trust her, to make her to be more vigilant, to make her realize her purpose, to let her know she worry about her. All said and done, she again hears complains against her going out with male friends. Sedey, in her own conscious could not cross the line she thought there exist. She could not tell her sister not to be friends with the male anymore when all along her sister had had maximum of male friends. She could not make her sister change her life style, the style she had lived so far. Sedey could not be so narrow and make her sister live her way of life because she understands her sister is born in another generation. Sedey fears that if something goes wrong with her sister's life, she would be responsible for it and she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for that. Yet she doesn't want her sister to live the monotonous life of books which Sedey lived before.

Forgotten but reminded….always

For a moment I let go off all my emotions and stare at the photo frame beside my bed. But all my emotions rush back to me as I see my mother's gaze directed to me. I pick up the frame and held it close to my heart and as if she could hear it, the words spilled from my lips: "I miss you."

I put back the picture and lean back listening to the voices of the kids. A birthday party is going on upstairs. Perhaps the kids are trying to tune themselves with the rhythm of the music they blasted.

My little sister has gone too; to help the host is what she said to me while leaving. She brought the birthday boy a beautiful gift and a card. I almost cried seeing her innocence. Though she is grown up, she is still a kid to me. I wonder if she ever wonders why her birthday is never being celebrated.

I find myself so lost into the thought, but as I look back I found myself always mourning instead of celebrating on her birthday. It's like I am used to doing that. I would ignore her day instead find myself praying so very deeply. It is like I have forgotten to thank god for every bit of happiness he has showered on me, it is like I have forgotten to live my life. Or may be I am so engrossed in the world that is so different from the world I am actually living.

But now I am tired, and exhausted. Tired of running away from myself and exhausted because it never seems to cease. I want to live my life again. I want to celebrate my sister's birthday and thank god for blessing us with her birth. I want to thank mom for giving us her. I want to forget that it is on her birthday we lost our mom.

The though brought a smile on my lips and my eyes welled up. Only this time the tears are not because I am sad but I have a sister.

Her Other Story

I brushed away my tears as I listened to a grandmother narrating the story. She was speaking of a very beautiful and kind lady. I wondered why the lady was called back so soon by God. Perhaps she had better things to do; I consoled myself and continued listening to her. She continued narrating as she recalled back the olden days.

"She lived with her aunt before she married. She was made to toil very hard every day. Weaving, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc were her daily chores. She was made to do anything but she received no appreciation and love. But she was one tough lady, she never complained.

One day, a guy came into her life. Her friends persuaded her to marry the guy. Perhaps she thought that life for her might get better and she agreed to marry him. She gave birth to a girl but things started becoming worse when he started beating her every night. He came late, hungry and drunk every evening. But she lived on. She was never happy anyway, so she never complained. Her daughter gave her every reason to live her life.

Soon her husband was transferred to another place and after that I don't know what happened until I heard she passed away in a child labour. I thought it was good she passed away…."

"Why?' I choked and dabbed my eyes with a tissue paper she handed over to me. "Because her life was filled with misery," she said vehemently and sighed. "She might have had a heart problem for all the sufferings she had in her heart…" (coughs)…"but she didn't deserve it." She completed.

I don't understand how a good person like her would end up having such miserable life. The feeling pained my heart and felt like crying even more. I thought I had cried enough before but once again when I listen to this grandmother, I don't know if I have cried enough. If only she was alive, how much love I would have given her, the love she missed in her life. I would have given all the things she deserved and even more showed her how important she is in my life.

If only she was alive I would have given my first salary to her and how proud she would have been with me. And the thought made me cry even more. I know she must be living another life but I wish I had the opportunity to tell her how much I love her and now how much I am missing her. If only my father had given her the love she deserved, I wouldn't have felt like crying so much. Yes I miss her because she is my mother and I always pray to God to send her every night in my dreams……..

(I wanted to write this before but every time I started, I couldn't stop crying. But somehow today I let it out but if the story is not very touching then it only proves how much I was crying while writing this.)

Communication Gap

I have always been a loner or rather say I was lonely in most of the path I treaded in life or I don’t know but when I look back then nobody was there for me when I desperately needed an advice or two. I lost my mom when I was a little kid and my dad has always been busy either with his work or gambling. It’s like a guardian angel guiding me, encouraging me to move on. I studied hard, burnt mid night candles, read more books, and read more books. I still remember my father’s forgotten promises of presenting gifts if I topped the class. But I didn’t mind him and ignored his ignorance.

My father brought a stepmother, and I didn’t say anything. Though I didn’t love her, I didn’t hate her also. I thought she was a maid at first, an innocent thought perhaps. But I was sent to a boarding school because my step mother didn’t like me. I didn’t question my dad for sending me away. Off I went to school and never complained. I have seen my friends being homesick and crying. Yeah, I cried a lot reading books and listening to music not because I was homesick but I missed my mom, I guess. I don’t remember a day I didn’t cry in memory of my mom. When I completed my middle secondary, I was kept with my paternal uncles to because my boarding school was very far. My cousins hated me, scribbled in my diary but I studied hard I guess. After completion of my high school, I was off for my college.

Soon I graduated and now I am working in a place not very away from my dad’s place. Though we meet often, we hardly find anything to talk on. Within a day, I would be bored to death not having anyone near me to talk to. As I look into his eyes at his tender age, I can’t believe he is the man who used to beat my mom while she lived. The thoughts overwhelm my heart and my eyes well up but I wonder if I can forgive him for this.  

But deep inside me, I feel my father regrets for all the things he had done or for that matter, the things he had not done in his entire life. He missed all the beautiful things that a father could have experienced. The love, the care, the support, the advices…..he could have given to me but it is too late for him now because that’s what I am doing for my kids. Somehow I feel, I have learnt my lesson through my father. I don’t have much of an idea of being loved by my own parents. And that’s the only thing I regret in life. Perhaps, I will live my life in knowing the truth that I love my children more not my father less.

(*Any resemblance to person living or dead, is purely coincidental)

Lost

2009

I grew up with this hope and dreams that I will take care of my dad, I will give him what he deserved, and I will take him to pilgrimages. So, I did my best to be at the place where I can fulfill all those dreams of mine. I have been his best daughter, I studied well, and I did everything to make worth of what my dad put on to bring me up. He brought me well, gave me the best attires; best education, best meals and of all he gave me his best. He did his part well and I am sure many of my friends have been envious of his love towards me. But no one’s life can be so perfect. Because this world is a Samsara, my dad and I couldn’t escape the fact that we are also one of the beings, happy at one time and the other time there was no trace of happiness being ever walked on our lives? We had our own share of happiness and sorrows. I know there is no use thinking of what could have been done or about the things which was never meant to happen. But what is there to life when your only purpose and reason is no longer in existence? When the only flame of hope of your life has been put off? It is the same every day, everywhere. There is no charm of doing anything. I have forgotten the excitement of spending my weekends. I don’t remember the last time I smelled the freshness of flowers in spring, or playing with puppies, or going for a shopping spree. All I can remember is my work. This is kind of becoming addicted but I don’t mind because I think I am happy this way. It is like I don’t want anything beautiful to happen in my life that I don’t have my dad near me to share it. I know the old cliché that there are people who suffer more than me, who have lost more than me. The show of life will have to move on. But reality hurts badly.

It is not like I am crazy and I want to take away my own life. It is just that I have forgotten to count my blessings. It is just that I was used to living in light. Suddenly the light went off and here I stand in dark trying to adapt my eyes.  I wonder how long will be the dark adaptation.

3rd October, 2011

I decided to work at home from today. Not that I wanted to take rest but because it was uncomfortable going to work in kira. With my belly so big, I had to arrange my kira time and again and it left red marks at the end of the day. So, as my boss agreed, I stayed at home and tried to work. As I sat down with my laptop before me, my baby kicked so hard that I let out a shrill cry with pain. And I am lost in the world when the baby will be around. I am excited to think that she/he will be home in few weeks. I am scared too but sheer joy over comes those fears. I am thinking, who would she/he look like? How would she behave when she is big enough to know us, parents? Sometimes I am scared if we will be able to give her the best parenting ever because with me going away for studies in US and my husband’s timely travel to his sites? But for now, I just console myself that things will be better one way or other. But again I don’t know.

Last time I made a visit to Kinley Pem’s place. I saw her mom bath her baby and how much elder people are there for her to give advice. I looked so small in the place that I felt like my eyes are all welled up. I felt so poor that I missed my parents so much. But I am happy that kinley has all of what I am missing. Her mom gave me a couple of advices on how to take care of baby’s neck while giving bath and the small things which mattered so largely to bring up a baby. I went home sad at my heart and yet excited about the baby. I was sure then that no other person, who is not a mother, would perfectly understand what I went through.

I cried that night thinking of the people I have lost in my life and that fact that my husband was upset and that gave me all the more reason to cry. He didn’t talk to me and I felt so lonely that I wished if my sister and her sons were here.  

Darling Zamin,

You have grown up to be six months and now you know lot of things. The fake cry, the laugh to impress us, the glance you give when you think we are angry with you, it all makes me wonder, how much happiness you have given me. When I first knew you are growing inside me, I only thought if we are matured or responsible enough to raise you. But when you came into our life, you only made it easier. It added joys to everything we did. I still remember how nostalgic your father was when we first arrived at home with you in his arms. The excitement in your dad’s face is picture perfect. We knew that time that we have been always ready to have baby.

As you grow up you are looking more like your dad. And I wouldn’t mind if you have his character. You will come to realize as you grow up how generous your dad is. I have learnt to appreciate his generosity more as we spend more time together. We consider you very lucky, for one reason for getting the best baby sitter. She is more like a god send sister to me and you than just a baby sitter. We wouldn’t be able to repay her selflessness in any life. You will have to keep this in mind.

I have to say, with your coming to our life, your aunt cheche has also become engaged with you and let’s say she is mended that way. You should remember that she also changed your diaper. Hehe.

Talking of changing diapers, I still remember when we were in hospital how much enthusiastic your dad was at doing laundry. That was the first time ever I saw him so eager.