Heart Wrenching Pains

There are moments in life, when you cannot simply explain how you are feeling because it is just too heart wrenching. I have come across this moment when Sonam Tashi’s nephew Thinley Chojur passed away at 2 months. He suffered acute heart failure. I can’t imagine the pain being endured by him alone. His mother and we talked about him being spoilt when he cried when actually he was suffering so much with pain.

Sonam Tashi’s elder sister was with us for couple of days. She came along with her youngest son for her treatment. She complained of burning skins like being bitten by nettles. We did Rimdros, took her for Zhabthrue for her recovery.  Wednesday was holiday (Daisain) and I was at home watching Pem Zangmo, my cousin bathe the baby. I noticed baby was suffering from breathlessness. I suspected Pneumonia but he didn’t have cough and cold and when I put my ear close to his back, his breathes were not hoarse. We decided to take him to pediatrician the next day.

We went to Doc. Phillips for the checkups. We were asked to do chest x ray of Thinley. Doc. Phillips advised to urgently admit him to the ward after looking at his x-ray result. Before we could reach the ward, he went blue. I was scared to death, my heart was pounding so fast and I couldn’t stop saying “aiee”. Once we were in the ward, the nurse gave the oxygen supplement to him which made him recover from going blue. The nurse drew blood from such tiny hand and he started crying more. He was breathing so hard. The nurse mentioned that he being heart patient, he will go blue every time he cries hard. I briefly looked at Doctors prescription and saw, engrossed heart, unstable pulse, breathlessness- all symptoms of heart failure.

He kept on crying and he was immediately admitted to PICU. Only on attendant was allowed inside. My sister in law who couldn’t stop crying and I, helplessly waited outside praying hard for the pain to subside. Finally, I called Sonam Tashi to come and just be near his sister. We went home since it was useless standing outside. We informed Ata Tsewang Dorji, Thinley’s Father that he can call us if emergency things happens.

We went to bed with the hope that everything will be fine. I consoled the mother saying that there are many heart patients who has recovered. However, we received the call from hospital that the case has become worst and the baby is suffering seriously. Sonam Tashi and his sister went to hospital and I stayed back with Zamin praying.

Sonam Tashi called me to inform that Thinley is no more with us. I made preparation at home for the rituals. Later I learnt from Sonam that Thinley suffered so much pain. I cried at the pain he had to endure at such a tender age. I really can’t explain how much overwhelmed I was. Think about his mother. 

Letter from my Brother

I was tremendously feeling low and wrote a long mail to my little brother. This is the response I got from him which made me more proud than I ever was.

hi Ana,

I can understand what you all are going through and we should know that in life things doesn't go the way we want it to be, yet we got to hold on to it and have patients. I also know that people come and go in your small sweet home but you should be proud and have pride that you are able to help them. Being a wife to Sonam Tashi you too have the duty and responsibilities for his family too. Just don't loss your head and be strong dear. i know that you have greater burden to carry for us, here i will study hard and hopefully i hope that one day i will be able to ease your burden and relive you with some of the responsibilities. Apart from all other things i do here i always have my primary responsibilities in my mind.

Things are tough right now dear, things will get well sooner or later. From here i wish that i could do better things than feeling helpless but i can't, but some day i hope i will be able to make you proud. 

For now have faith, trust your husband and be a good helping hand for him. I know that you are doing it already, still than don't let all those thoughts hunt you, don't let your heart to be heavy, and don't let yourself feel low. chin up, smile always and be happy. Know that we are proud of you. You have been the mother to us and I LOVE YOU. 

Till than take care and keep smiling and don't let things like that affect your mood and ya don't think too much nadu mo. See Ya soon and missing you all. 

with lots love

Tshering Dorji.  

Struggling to be Positive, Daily.

Sonam Tashi complained, one night, that I am becoming negative. I took his comment very negatively and snapped back by telling him that he has become judgmental. But his feedback took me hours to go to sleep, reflecting when and how I picked up this habit. It is easier to be negative and never know that it is part of your life but the task is Hercules, when it comes to train yourself to look for positive aspects of life. Negative is contagious as mentioned in the article “6 ways to be positive in any situation – www.thinksimplenow.com”

Being positive is the choice we can make. Last night, I completely drowned myself to self pity because I was not feeling well and Sonam Tashi didn’t even care. I came to office without speaking a word to him. And to make the matter worse, he left to his site without dropping me off to work. I was so pissed that I sworn I will make him regret. But meanwhile, I was making it hard on myself, feeling sad, feeling unhappy and feeling so remorseful looking at myself. Why am I doing it when Sonam Tashi doesn’t have a clue on what is running in my mind? Why am I being so ridiculous, when I can make things better for myself and for everyone?

I changed my prospective then. I choose to take away that negativity from my mind because who knows how long I am to live. I might die tomorrow without apologizing to the people I love and care. I thought I am not going to let negativity rule my life. I went home feeling very light hearted and happy. Try it yourself, it works wonder.

Making it better, everyday

“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

courtsey: www.cherrybam.com

I never thought Nicholas Sparks is so right until I entered in to relationship of girlfriend-boyfriend with Sonam Tashi. It was very hard from the beginning when he decided alone that he doesn’t want to be in relationship anymore with me. I still wonder to this day why he changed his mind like a pendulum from one swing to another. Perhaps it was love, because after knowing that he wanted to dump me, I was and am with him to this day.

It is hard to think straight when we are mad with our better half. All we want to do is shout our lungs outs but with soft voices so that the people sitting in the living room doesn’t have a clue about what is going on. The good trait of my husband is that he doesn’t want to argue but wants his way. The big “but” messes up everything. And there are times when I get on his nerves and make him go crazy (compelling him to go for a walk). The silent walk out from the living room is that proof that he is mad with me. But like Nicholas Sparks states and like any other successful relationships, we are going to have to work at our relationship everyday and nurture it like a new born baby. Because all that matters, at the end of the day, is that we love each other, everyday and forever. 

My Twenty Eighth Birthday

As usual Bank of Bhutan was first to wish me on my birthday, followed by RICBL. Thanks to my insurance policy and my bank account, they know my birthday. My husband, Sonam Tashi, come from very conventional Bhutanese family and hence he doesn’t have a habit of openly expressing his feelings. Though I have been friends with him for more than eight years now, I realized that only when I married him because by then my expectations over him had increased and I felt the gaps. Not to worry, my expectations have subsided now. I have learnt one thing from this relationship that if the other person can’t change, then it is best to change ourselves. Well, I have adapted well to the situation because it was absolutely normal when my husband didn’t even wish me on my birthday. Ok, to be honest, I was little sad because the very person who admits loves me doesn’t care to see me smile (a small gift would have curved my lips).

Our nanny, Maya, remembered my birthday and forced Sonam Tashi to serve me a breakfast himself (which is rare of course). He loudly announced that the breakfast is for my birthday and my birthday celebration ended there.

Not a great day to remember. :(

Already 28

I am turning 28 tomorrow and I am sad than being happy. Probably because no one is throwing me a party or I haven’t planned anything to celebrate it. Let me admit it, I am broke to buy myself a birthday cake forget about throwing a party. Seriously, where is all the money going away? Anyway that would be another long story to discuss. May be one day I will make a list of what is happening to my income.

Coming back to my birthday, I didn’t celebrate my birthday until I was in high school where my friends forced me to treat them. Specifically high schools because I studied my primary and junior high in remote places and nobody care how old someone is growing.  I got transferred to Thimphu (then used to be such a big city for a town mouse like me). I made new friends who used to celebrate their birthdays since they were born. I never knew they were rich when I became friends with them and they found out later that I was poorer to afford any birthday party. But my generous father used to think I might be left out and made every effort to send some bucks before my birthday so that I can at least treat my friends with “cheese momo” from the school canteen. I think my friends were kind enough to bear the ‘lesser cheese and more cabbage momo’.

Wishing before blowing off my first ever birthday candles

The birthdays in college became better. My friends would surprise me with birthday cake. (I cut my first birthday cake in 2005) but my months pocket money would dwindle in a single treat. But I loved being broke after celebrating my birthday.

After I started working and when I was single, my close friends-Tandin, Nisha and Kinley would always make plans (irrespective of whether I agree or not) and I had to treat them. We used to have great moments together, laughing, taking pictures. Once, they presented me with marble cake at Buddha point. It was raining and I cut my cake in Tandin’s car with my bare hand. The marble cake was difficult to swallow without the water and I drank spy wine to drain it down my throat (because there was no water). I remember treating them with Beef Burger from Zone because that time it was very popular. I love you guys for all the greatest moments in my life. By the way, they are the same friends from high school. They are crazy but I love them anyway.

Now I am married with a daughter. This is my second birthday with my husband. The first time he was in Kolkata and I couldn’t celebrate it with him. My friends came to see me at my place because I was eight months pregnant.

Tomorrow is my first birthday with my family and I am still wondering how I am going to celebrate it. 

Zamin with her New Hat.

Zamin with her new hat. She doesn't like the hat but she gets easily distracted when she see things like camera. Ha-ha

Project Crochet

Zamin with her Nanny Maya 

Since the winter is on its way to Bhutan, I have started thinking about warm hats, socks and neck warmers. I am always surprised at how much it cost at markets to buy the same thing which we can actually make it at home and make it far better. The first project was my little darling girl’s hat with cute ear flap but unfortunately I have chosen the wrong yarn and she hates it. The picture says it all. She doesn’t like the sight of it. So, I will choose a softer yarn next time and have it made for her. It has a mix design of single crochet and double crochet. Ana Lungten was at my place when I started it and she thought single crochet would take time. So, I started with single crochet and finished it with double. The hat in the picture looks bit twisted because Zamin wouldn’t allow us to put it on her. We didn’t have time to adjust the hat when I took this picture. I finished another ear flapped hat for Sonam Tashi’s Grandmom and she absolutely loved the design and the softness of the yarn. I didn’t take picture of the hat since I handed it over to her the moment I finished it. I am planning on making the same coloured hat for the family once I get time to get to town and bring the bestest yarn. Wait till I post it here. 

Appreciation

Being Buddhist helps me a lot in keeping alive my relationship with people, especially with my husband, Sonam Tashi. I know we expect a lot from our better halves on what-not-things and we easily get hurt if it isn’t the way we want. Speaking from women’s point of view (I think I better understand my own gender better), we expect our man to be our hero. We expect Him to help us in kitchen, cook during Losar (“losar is the new year celebration in Bhutan), and take care of kids while we have girl’s night out. We expect our man to totally spoil us if not anything. On the other hand, men (not all men are same though) expect his better half to cook, do the laundry and look beautiful (well, that’s what I think, at least). However, looking carefully, that is where all the problems start because it is not happening as we thought or the way wanted. And there is where the differences starts and we don’t want to understand what he/she thinks or wants because “I” am always right.

To look at it differently, we don’t appreciate how much he/she is doing for us apart from worrying about all other little things. Though I don’t speak out much, my husband is one person who deserves appreciation for the entire thing he does. He is cute in his own little handsome way. There are times when we have our bad days but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect him for the person he is. He is and will be my best friend.

Being happy does not mean you have to have and own everything. Though Sonam earns a lot (in Bhutanese context), there are times when we hardly go out for dinner or movie or pamper ourselves with unwanted cloths and stuffs. And we laugh at our poorness. But that does not limit my dear husband to make huge donations and that is where all our income goes. Sometimes, our source of income is booked in advance as to which loop-hole it has to be take care of.

He is a kind of man I have always wanted to spend my entire life with. Giving away in cash and kinds is his hobby (well, that’s what I think). His wardrobe is almost empty because of his kindness and because we couldn’t afford to go for shopping. But that does not mean we haven’t been paying taxes, rents and our relatives the pocket money. It simply means we are happy the way we are.

Something that I learnt about Baby

Most people scoff at me when I say you shouldn’t feed your baby with those and that type of food. Many Bhutanese don’t care about what their babies eat. Well, I can understand the mothers at village, they either have don’t have time to look for what is healthy for their baby or to cook it separately and most of them, they think it is ok to give whatever the adult eats.

Back in olden days, in Bhutan, baby is fed with butter on the day he/she is born, bathed three times a day and fed with whatever is edible. The motherless babies are fed with dairy product.

I don’t think it is necessary to be conventional in bringing up your own baby. Hence, taking advantage of my education and of being literate, I first do little research on what are the good things that are healthy and best for my baby. The first thing first, I bathed my baby only after a week from the day she is born and only once a day. I used to bathe her every two-three days and I would wait at least a week for her next bathe when she is sick or the worst, suffering from cold. That being said, I used to massage her everyday with Olive oil (with mustard oil while she has cold) and change her every day. The reason I use Olive oil is because it is thick and creamy, ideal to be used as massage oil. Of course it has its own benefits. That kept her clean and healthy.

While she is down with cold, I used to dip a clove of garlic in the mustard oil and massage her with it. Gently tapping, raindrop massage, on her cheeks which makes way for the mucus. I used to firmly massage her chest, feet and palm with warm mustard oil which super relaxes her. When I once suggested to this to my husband’s uncle (since he has baby little older than mine), he scolded me saying “Roktey ana ani nan bu aiee lay…” and sadly his son has watery eyes.

The second thing, which most Bhutanese dread, is the thought of using the disposable diapers. They think if they use it, it will bent the baby’s leg which I think is absolutely non-sense. I used it while she was five days young and she still has straight leg. (:D). But I have stopped using the disposable because it takes 500 years to decompose. It makes me feel very guilty when I use it sometimes.

I breastfed her exclusively for six months, which most working Bhutanese mothers doesn’t do. Thankfully, I have a boss who has a baby and she completely understands me.

The next big thing after six months is what to feed to the baby. The people in developed countries serve baby cereal. Poorly, we don’t get baby cereal in our country and most mothers land up serving their baby with “Yoechum”, the local rice which has more starch than the normal rice that are easily available in market. The local rice gives constipation to the adults, so think about baby’s condition. The common ingredients to the baby’s food are butter and salt (people say it to make it tastier).  Think about the size of the baby’s kidney. Think about all the process it has to undergo to remove the salt from their tiny body. My baby’s food contain only cereal, vegetable or fruits and still she eats deliciously because she don’t know the taste of salt and butter.

My baby has a sore throat and a rough cough these days. My colleagues suggest that I should feed her honey. Most Bhutanese don’t understand the potential fatal disease that can be caused due to honey. Botulism is rare but very life threatening illness.

Well, how we bring up our baby is our own style but I think it is necessary to know what we think healthy could prove to be danger to the baby.

Trust

Trusting the other person is one of the last things in your list while making a relationship, any kind. And it takes one small mistake to drain it down and you know it takes life time to forgive that person and yourself for making the mistake by trusting that person. Trust is one big important thing in marriages without which it is never going to work. I wonder at the couples who tells small and silly lie to their better half. I don’t know why it makes them think it is better than telling the truth. For instance, telling her/him that you are with someone else, when in actual you are with some other people. I wonder.

Source:bostonbiker.org

I have a very close friend, whose marriage failed after 15 years. They have two kids, grownup. And it is a very difficult decision to make when you have kids at vulnerable age, and difficult when you have spent half the life thinking that he would be there for you and your kids. I had no word for her to console when she called me and cried silently. Partly she blamed herself for the trust she placed in him while in his case he was busy making a fool of the person who loved and trusted him. And the worst part was he blamed her for his own mistake which she thought was very unforgiving.

She talks about it and she say people think she is still not over it. But I think not getting over it and not forgetting it two different things. Not getting over it is not accepting the things that are happening. She has accepted the fact and slapped on his face by coming out more stronger. She has moved on and moved on good with full support from her kids and parents. And I, for one, thought she made a best decision by moving on without him. It was not that I would not have liked the idea of having them not separated but when the person whom you trusted cheated you half of your time with him and you hear it from “word of mouth”, where is the question of trust and integrity?

Women are not frail. The fact that she cries does not mean she is weak. She can be as strong or stronger than any man can imagine. 

My darling little girl

My daring little baby girl is just over 9 months now. As she is growing up, I feel that she is moving away from me and soon she will have a life of her own which she will decide on how to live herself. The day she came to my arms for the very first time, I can never have that feeling again. And she will never be that small and little again. But as she is growing, she has a knack of making me smile with my heart content that she is a girl who made me a mom and makes me feel lucky in every sense. No one change that fact, the day she was in my tummy, I was her momsie dear. I still remember the dark damp jet black hair and rosy cheeks, the shrill cry of not knowing how to suckle the breast milk. Oh. It makes me feel so relieved that I have her as my baby girl.

She has started crawling and standing up (with a support) altogether. Her front cutting teeth has cut through with a week of fever and continues diarrhea. We Bhutanese believe that with every milestone of a child’s growth, baby falls sick which I believe is true because my little one has gone through the same stages.

She has also started blabbering gibberish things which we don’t understand but make her say it again and again. She shrieks “otha” and so many others if she is excited or wants to go out. She directs her gaze to TV and Wall clock when we ask her where it is. She looks so adorable with her curly hair and fair skin that I want to hold her so tight in my arms. I am glad I am a mother and a mother of a baby girl who is so cute and adorable.

This is picture which I took when she was little more than 9 month at our home. She looks so adorable in her white top. Her curly hair matches her complexion. She is holding my 19^th century Nokia phone, which she likes to put it in her mouth quite frequently. She was not well that day with fever and diarrhea and we were about to leave to Pediatrician. My sister Choki wanted to see her picture so much that I took this for her. 

The Disappointment

Dechen is a very simple girl. She would smile though she had many reasons not to. She created an atmosphere of comfort, simplicity and trust. She would do anything to help others for she thought if she didn't she wouldn't be any different from other people. The thought always gave her enough strength to look at the face of people who had hurt her parents and in a way hurt her too. She wanted to forget the things that had happened yet it keeps on popping up. She thought it might have been far better if He, her dad's adopted son, has hurt her instead of her dad. 

Her dad gave anything but didn't give up giving him education despite his poor brain. He flunked in many grades, yet her dad kept on moving. Finally he completed his tenth grade but helplessly he had to be sent to India for he couldn't qualify for Kanglung and there were no private colleges during His time. Her dad merely earned a month's salary only to be sent away to his Son. Yet Dechen didn't mind because all she wanted was her dad to be happy and she was content that he was. She would read the letter sent by Him asking for more money. He would write that Dad was His God Father and He owes him more than his real dad. Touched by His letter, her dad would send more money every month.

Finally a day arrived; he waved the tassel wearing his graduation gown. He was so happy that he forgot to turn his back, to hold the hands of the one who always had lend to him, and failed to see the tears in the eyes of the one who always wanted to brush His tears away. He galloped lost in His selfish reasons. Dechen's dad suffered an unknown disease. Sometimes Dechen could feel the pain in her dad's eyes, the pain of betrayal, and the pain of abandonment by his loved son, though he prayed for his wellness. This only made Dechen dislike her so-called brother more. But her dad has taught her that if she disliked him so much than she wouldn't be any different from Him. The very thought of being similar to Him makes her feel weak from inside. But every dog has its own day and deep inside Dechen's heart she still remembers the pain in her dad's eyes and thought she will never forgive Him.

(How would you feel if every time you see the person and remembers He/She is the one who had hurt your parents so much that it brought tears in their eyes?)

The Responsibility

Sedey was brought up as a responsible child, a responsible daughter, and as a responsible sister. She now stands as a responsible working woman. Though, she had her own conditions of living her life, her prioritized aphorism was to die without hurting her parents, siblings, and friends. But sometimes life tested her patience; at least dealing with kids did that. Her sister stays with her, not because she wanted to but she might have thought she will accompany her sister. Sedey worries about her sister, not that her sister had a bad history but she is a girl, an innocent girl. Just like any other mother, she worries about her sister too. Her sister, unlike Sedey was an outgoing girl and sporty which made her friends to be mostly males. But the small community in which Sedey live, the words get spread like wildfire. The histories are created naturally. And she worries if her sister could easily be the victim of such history. Sedey explains to her little sister how difficult it is to sway away from the rules of society and to be different. She does everything to make her understand that she trust her, to make her to be more vigilant, to make her realize her purpose, to let her know she worry about her. All said and done, she again hears complains against her going out with male friends. Sedey, in her own conscious could not cross the line she thought there exist. She could not tell her sister not to be friends with the male anymore when all along her sister had had maximum of male friends. She could not make her sister change her life style, the style she had lived so far. Sedey could not be so narrow and make her sister live her way of life because she understands her sister is born in another generation. Sedey fears that if something goes wrong with her sister's life, she would be responsible for it and she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for that. Yet she doesn't want her sister to live the monotonous life of books which Sedey lived before.

Forgotten but reminded….always

For a moment I let go off all my emotions and stare at the photo frame beside my bed. But all my emotions rush back to me as I see my mother's gaze directed to me. I pick up the frame and held it close to my heart and as if she could hear it, the words spilled from my lips: "I miss you."

I put back the picture and lean back listening to the voices of the kids. A birthday party is going on upstairs. Perhaps the kids are trying to tune themselves with the rhythm of the music they blasted.

My little sister has gone too; to help the host is what she said to me while leaving. She brought the birthday boy a beautiful gift and a card. I almost cried seeing her innocence. Though she is grown up, she is still a kid to me. I wonder if she ever wonders why her birthday is never being celebrated.

I find myself so lost into the thought, but as I look back I found myself always mourning instead of celebrating on her birthday. It's like I am used to doing that. I would ignore her day instead find myself praying so very deeply. It is like I have forgotten to thank god for every bit of happiness he has showered on me, it is like I have forgotten to live my life. Or may be I am so engrossed in the world that is so different from the world I am actually living.

But now I am tired, and exhausted. Tired of running away from myself and exhausted because it never seems to cease. I want to live my life again. I want to celebrate my sister's birthday and thank god for blessing us with her birth. I want to thank mom for giving us her. I want to forget that it is on her birthday we lost our mom.

The though brought a smile on my lips and my eyes welled up. Only this time the tears are not because I am sad but I have a sister.

Her Other Story

I brushed away my tears as I listened to a grandmother narrating the story. She was speaking of a very beautiful and kind lady. I wondered why the lady was called back so soon by God. Perhaps she had better things to do; I consoled myself and continued listening to her. She continued narrating as she recalled back the olden days.

"She lived with her aunt before she married. She was made to toil very hard every day. Weaving, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc were her daily chores. She was made to do anything but she received no appreciation and love. But she was one tough lady, she never complained.

One day, a guy came into her life. Her friends persuaded her to marry the guy. Perhaps she thought that life for her might get better and she agreed to marry him. She gave birth to a girl but things started becoming worse when he started beating her every night. He came late, hungry and drunk every evening. But she lived on. She was never happy anyway, so she never complained. Her daughter gave her every reason to live her life.

Soon her husband was transferred to another place and after that I don't know what happened until I heard she passed away in a child labour. I thought it was good she passed away…."

"Why?' I choked and dabbed my eyes with a tissue paper she handed over to me. "Because her life was filled with misery," she said vehemently and sighed. "She might have had a heart problem for all the sufferings she had in her heart…" (coughs)…"but she didn't deserve it." She completed.

I don't understand how a good person like her would end up having such miserable life. The feeling pained my heart and felt like crying even more. I thought I had cried enough before but once again when I listen to this grandmother, I don't know if I have cried enough. If only she was alive, how much love I would have given her, the love she missed in her life. I would have given all the things she deserved and even more showed her how important she is in my life.

If only she was alive I would have given my first salary to her and how proud she would have been with me. And the thought made me cry even more. I know she must be living another life but I wish I had the opportunity to tell her how much I love her and now how much I am missing her. If only my father had given her the love she deserved, I wouldn't have felt like crying so much. Yes I miss her because she is my mother and I always pray to God to send her every night in my dreams……..

(I wanted to write this before but every time I started, I couldn't stop crying. But somehow today I let it out but if the story is not very touching then it only proves how much I was crying while writing this.)

Communication Gap

I have always been a loner or rather say I was lonely in most of the path I treaded in life or I don’t know but when I look back then nobody was there for me when I desperately needed an advice or two. I lost my mom when I was a little kid and my dad has always been busy either with his work or gambling. It’s like a guardian angel guiding me, encouraging me to move on. I studied hard, burnt mid night candles, read more books, and read more books. I still remember my father’s forgotten promises of presenting gifts if I topped the class. But I didn’t mind him and ignored his ignorance.

My father brought a stepmother, and I didn’t say anything. Though I didn’t love her, I didn’t hate her also. I thought she was a maid at first, an innocent thought perhaps. But I was sent to a boarding school because my step mother didn’t like me. I didn’t question my dad for sending me away. Off I went to school and never complained. I have seen my friends being homesick and crying. Yeah, I cried a lot reading books and listening to music not because I was homesick but I missed my mom, I guess. I don’t remember a day I didn’t cry in memory of my mom. When I completed my middle secondary, I was kept with my paternal uncles to because my boarding school was very far. My cousins hated me, scribbled in my diary but I studied hard I guess. After completion of my high school, I was off for my college.

Soon I graduated and now I am working in a place not very away from my dad’s place. Though we meet often, we hardly find anything to talk on. Within a day, I would be bored to death not having anyone near me to talk to. As I look into his eyes at his tender age, I can’t believe he is the man who used to beat my mom while she lived. The thoughts overwhelm my heart and my eyes well up but I wonder if I can forgive him for this.  

But deep inside me, I feel my father regrets for all the things he had done or for that matter, the things he had not done in his entire life. He missed all the beautiful things that a father could have experienced. The love, the care, the support, the advices…..he could have given to me but it is too late for him now because that’s what I am doing for my kids. Somehow I feel, I have learnt my lesson through my father. I don’t have much of an idea of being loved by my own parents. And that’s the only thing I regret in life. Perhaps, I will live my life in knowing the truth that I love my children more not my father less.

(*Any resemblance to person living or dead, is purely coincidental)

Lost

2009

I grew up with this hope and dreams that I will take care of my dad, I will give him what he deserved, and I will take him to pilgrimages. So, I did my best to be at the place where I can fulfill all those dreams of mine. I have been his best daughter, I studied well, and I did everything to make worth of what my dad put on to bring me up. He brought me well, gave me the best attires; best education, best meals and of all he gave me his best. He did his part well and I am sure many of my friends have been envious of his love towards me. But no one’s life can be so perfect. Because this world is a Samsara, my dad and I couldn’t escape the fact that we are also one of the beings, happy at one time and the other time there was no trace of happiness being ever walked on our lives? We had our own share of happiness and sorrows. I know there is no use thinking of what could have been done or about the things which was never meant to happen. But what is there to life when your only purpose and reason is no longer in existence? When the only flame of hope of your life has been put off? It is the same every day, everywhere. There is no charm of doing anything. I have forgotten the excitement of spending my weekends. I don’t remember the last time I smelled the freshness of flowers in spring, or playing with puppies, or going for a shopping spree. All I can remember is my work. This is kind of becoming addicted but I don’t mind because I think I am happy this way. It is like I don’t want anything beautiful to happen in my life that I don’t have my dad near me to share it. I know the old cliché that there are people who suffer more than me, who have lost more than me. The show of life will have to move on. But reality hurts badly.

It is not like I am crazy and I want to take away my own life. It is just that I have forgotten to count my blessings. It is just that I was used to living in light. Suddenly the light went off and here I stand in dark trying to adapt my eyes.  I wonder how long will be the dark adaptation.

3rd October, 2011

I decided to work at home from today. Not that I wanted to take rest but because it was uncomfortable going to work in kira. With my belly so big, I had to arrange my kira time and again and it left red marks at the end of the day. So, as my boss agreed, I stayed at home and tried to work. As I sat down with my laptop before me, my baby kicked so hard that I let out a shrill cry with pain. And I am lost in the world when the baby will be around. I am excited to think that she/he will be home in few weeks. I am scared too but sheer joy over comes those fears. I am thinking, who would she/he look like? How would she behave when she is big enough to know us, parents? Sometimes I am scared if we will be able to give her the best parenting ever because with me going away for studies in US and my husband’s timely travel to his sites? But for now, I just console myself that things will be better one way or other. But again I don’t know.

Last time I made a visit to Kinley Pem’s place. I saw her mom bath her baby and how much elder people are there for her to give advice. I looked so small in the place that I felt like my eyes are all welled up. I felt so poor that I missed my parents so much. But I am happy that kinley has all of what I am missing. Her mom gave me a couple of advices on how to take care of baby’s neck while giving bath and the small things which mattered so largely to bring up a baby. I went home sad at my heart and yet excited about the baby. I was sure then that no other person, who is not a mother, would perfectly understand what I went through.

I cried that night thinking of the people I have lost in my life and that fact that my husband was upset and that gave me all the more reason to cry. He didn’t talk to me and I felt so lonely that I wished if my sister and her sons were here.  

Darling Zamin,

You have grown up to be six months and now you know lot of things. The fake cry, the laugh to impress us, the glance you give when you think we are angry with you, it all makes me wonder, how much happiness you have given me. When I first knew you are growing inside me, I only thought if we are matured or responsible enough to raise you. But when you came into our life, you only made it easier. It added joys to everything we did. I still remember how nostalgic your father was when we first arrived at home with you in his arms. The excitement in your dad’s face is picture perfect. We knew that time that we have been always ready to have baby.

As you grow up you are looking more like your dad. And I wouldn’t mind if you have his character. You will come to realize as you grow up how generous your dad is. I have learnt to appreciate his generosity more as we spend more time together. We consider you very lucky, for one reason for getting the best baby sitter. She is more like a god send sister to me and you than just a baby sitter. We wouldn’t be able to repay her selflessness in any life. You will have to keep this in mind.

I have to say, with your coming to our life, your aunt cheche has also become engaged with you and let’s say she is mended that way. You should remember that she also changed your diaper. Hehe.

Talking of changing diapers, I still remember when we were in hospital how much enthusiastic your dad was at doing laundry. That was the first time ever I saw him so eager. 

 

My darling, my angel, my bundle of joy. You give me meaning in living my life. You made the person I am. I love you and you will always be my whole heart. I love watching you grow and you make me smile at the thought of you. Love you my darling.